Ability to Dance Critique

Strength

1) Answered prompt well.
2) Great details (great background provided on culture and ethnic sides of dancing)
3) Good explanation
4) Well organized in terms of topics
5) Unique voice- very convincing and authentic


Weakness

1) Thesis?
2) Introduction may need some development
3) Needs to mix personal voice and academic voice better
4) Needs topic sentences and focused points.
5) Mechanics

Prioritize

1) Thesis
2) Organization of paragraphs
3) Developing and mixing personal voice with academic voice
4) Ending
5) Mechanics

How to work with this student

I would first begin by brainstorming ideas to make a stronger argument. I would guide the student to think about what are some of the concrete reasons this student likes dancing and why it's important. I will then proceed with thesis generation. I would have the student to think about how he/she would word it into few sentences.



Endnote

Dear _______,

What a great start! I really enjoyed reading your work. I especially liked reading your research on how certain dances are influenced by different cultures before its modern form. This not only answered the prompt well but also kept me focused and interested in your work. I also appreciated your organization skills. I think it is good that you grouped your points into different paragraphs and focused on it separately. I believe this will provide good base for your second draft.  Here are few suggestions for your second draft; I think we need a stronger thesis. I feel that although you have great details, we need to give it to the readers in the introduction what you are going to focus on. What are some of your points that you want to emphasize?  And another thing, how do your background information relate to your personal experience relate to one another? How can we tie this together to make a thesis? I think those are some of the things you can think about when you are revising this essay. I am looking forward to reading your third draft and discussing with you. Good luck!